The Dime Novelist (Character Concept)

"And so their blades clashed. The Red Knight was the rolling fury of thunder, but Kialla was lightning, her sword always there a moment before his blade could fall. Steel slid against steel, the spells sparking against one another, until faster than a blink Kialla slipped inside his guard. Though the knight's plate was crimson from slaughter, it availed him not against her righteous fury, and his head fell at her feet."

Kialla looked up from the book, one eyebrow cocked. The scar that bisected that brow, the one she'd been given as a parting gift from the Red Knight, was white and clean. "This really the way you remember it, Dendrick?"

Dendrick smiled at her, showing a touch of the underbite his orcish heritage had given him. "I took copious notes that night, if you remember."

"I stabbed him through the heart," Kialla said. "In under the armpit. His gorget was thicker than three of my fingers. If I'd tried to cut through that the only way he'd have died would have been laughing at me too hard."

"Artistic license," Dendrick said with a shrug. "You did sever his head to collect the bounty, so it still happened."

Dialla shook her head, sighing. "I can't believe people pay you for this."

"Highways are long, and often boring," Dendrick said, smiling. "Besides, they pay me, and I pay you, so everyone gets their portion of the proceeds."

"This keeps up, I might not have to hunt bounties anymore," Dialla said.

Dendrick winced. "Don't say that! I need to have something ready by next summer. The readers are going to want another."

So who is next? A bandit king, perhaps? That cult we keep hearing about?

A Chronicler of Low-Price Legends

Our games tend to be replete with tale-telling bards and traveling minstrels, but there is another form of entertainment we often don't think about... especially if our worlds are advanced enough that the printing press exists. Because if there is a publishing industry, people are going to want entertainment from it. And once cheap materials can be used to turn cheap profits, all they need are cheap stories to fill the pages with.

And that is where the Dime Novelist comes into the picture.

"The Bloody Blade of Brighton"? I think we still have a copy somewhere...

For those not familiar with them, dime novels were the precursors to the pulps. They were written quickly, tended to be lurid, and they were printed on cheap paper, bound with cheap glue, and they hit newsstands and stores as fast as publishers could pump them out. They were quick, disposable entertainment, and most of them were about gunslingers, detectives, outlaws, and other adventurers who tended to be far removed from the readers in terms of lifestyle, distance, or both.

While most individuals who penned these books were just slapping words on the page, piecing together gossip, fantasy, and lurid stories with their own artistic flare, the concept of the dime novelist as a character is someone who wants their stories to be more authentic (if not precisely an exact accounting of events). Whether it's because they believe that what they're doing deserves to have integrity, or because they feel that being an eyewitness to the events will make for better sales, adventuring is merely a means to an end. After all, if they want to get a good story, they have to go to where the story is happening.

This concept can be done in a variety of different ways. After all, one could play a bard who prefers the written word over the fife or the drum, publishing the adventures of themselves and their companions to earn a living, but also to big-up their reputations. If there's too much embellishment, this could lead to people over-estimating them, or to individuals trying to ask them about things they never actually did. The sort of thing that leads their Small Legend to grow much faster than they'd like. Or, if the novelist is unscrupulous, they might specifically cause trouble in order to give their companions a threat to deal with... something that could end badly for them, if it's found out the novelist was the source of a dangerous situation.

Additionally, though this is an ideal concept for a bard, they're far from the only characters capable of making this idea work. A retired fighter might pen their memoirs, and find they need fresh material to keep putting more books out (the Richard Marcinko career path), or a wizard might intercut their field notes with stories of how their companions fared against various challenges. A monk might use the tales of their allies' actions to illustrate finer points of combat philosophy in their manual, or a sorcerer might need extra funds to support a lavish lifestyle. All the characters needs is the necessary skill to put the words on paper, and someone willing to distribute their stories... which is a significantly more interesting use of the Leadership feat when you consider your dozens of followers could all be your sales reps helping spread the word of your and your companions' great deeds!

Lastly, while this is an interesting role for a player character, this is also one that can work beautifully for a supporting NPC. And if you are going to go the bard route for it, I'd highly recommend checking out my 5 Tips For Playing Better Bards before putting this one in game!

Speaking of Dime Novelists...

One of the comments I keep getting on this particular series is how much folks enjoy the little snippets of fiction I put in the opening paragraphs. Even if the character concept isn't for them, or they're not sure they'll like it, they often find those little flashes to be of interest.

If you're one of those readers, you should know I write books as well. And, in fact, I just had a new one drop on the 1st!

Sci-fi thriller about de-commissioned super soldiers, anyone?

Old Soldiers is my most recent novel, and if you've had a hankering for 9-foot-tall albino bioweapons that Resident Evil hasn't quite satisfied, then you are definitely going to want to take a moment to meet Pollux and the other Myrmidon as they try to unravel a shadowy conspiracy that reaches all the way into the heart of New Liberty.

Or, if you're more of a modern fantasy reader, you might want to check out my other series. It's got hard-boiled mysteries with dark alleys, shadowy players, gangs of bruisers... and all of them are street animals in New York City. Our protagonist, Leo, is a Maine Coon with a bad attitude, a heart of gold, and a serious curiosity streak that gets him into trouble in Marked Territory and the latest tale Painted Cats which came out in May.

If you're a fan of traditional sword and sorcery adventure, then my novel Crier's Knife might be more up your alley. Alternatively, if you like game tie-in fiction then my story The Irregulars from the Pathfinder Tales might be more to your taste, and if you enjoy the grim darkness of the far future take a look at Waking Dogs- A World Eaters Tale. The last one's even free!

And that's just a smattering of what you'll find on my Amazon author page, in addition to the now triple-digit search results you'll find for my supplements on Drive Thru RPG! So if you enjoy my work, please, go check those out too!

Like, Follow, and Stay Tuned For More!

That's all for this installment of Unusual Character Concepts. Hopefully this one gave you something to chew over, whether you're a player, or a game master.

For more of my work, check out my Vocal archive, and stop by the YouTube channel Dungeon Keeper Radio. Or if you'd prefer to read some of my books, like my alley cat noir novel Marked Territory, its sequel Painted Cats, my sword and sorcery novel Crier's Knife or my most recent collection of short stories The Rejects, then head over to My Amazon Author Page!

To stay on top of all my latest releases, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and now Pinterest as well! To support my work, consider Buying Me a Ko-Fi, or heading to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page to become a regular, monthly patron. That one helps ensure you get more Improved Initiative, and it means you'll get my regular, monthly giveaways as a bonus!

That One Time I Single-Handedly Screwed Up a Vampire/Changeling Crossover Event

In addition to being a regular tabletop player, I'm usually down for a good LARP (before we were surviving a global pandemic, anyway), and though Changeling: The Lost was always my favorite game to attend, the organization I was part of also ran Vampire: The Requiem games. Since they were often held on the same day, in the same location, I tended to stick around and just make a full day out of it.

This is a tale of how I unknowingly turned myself into a monkey wrench, and screwed up something like 6 months worth of behind-the-scenes setup and planning with little more than malice, and a phone call.

When the stranger calls, nothing good will happen.

For those who are curious, this game was run using the Chronicles of Darkness Mind's Eye Theatre system, and all of those books are currently for sale in a bundle on Drive Thru RPG! Also, for those who don't want to miss any of my further updates, don't forget to sign up for my weekly newsletter to get all my freshest content sent straight to your inbox.

And now, on with the story...

The Doctor and The Monster

One of my favorite character archetypes to play is an homage to Jekyll and Hyde, and for the vampire game I'd had Dr. Henry Marks approved by the organization. Henry had the unique mutation of the Malkovian bloodline, and he would have occasional black outs where he couldn't remember what had been happening. A clinical psychiatrist, his creator had hoped that his knowledge would be a boon to understanding what had gone wrong within the bloodline, and how they could fix it. Quickly recruited into the Ordo Dracul, Henry spent his every waking hour attempting to understand the nuances and limitations of the unlife he found himself living.

Edward, on the other hand, had his own perverse interest in Henry's work. For while Henry wouldn't acknowledge him, Edward peered from behind Henry's eyes. He took the findings of the doctor, and applied them to his (often brutal) activities.

Murder is so banal... I call it "field research".

If this unlikely duo sounds familiar, it's because I told a story about them several months back in That One Time I Shocked Storytellers By Solving Vampire Plot With Violence.

A Strange Set of Circumstances

Henry and Edward had been doing their bloody dance for some time when a strange phenomenon began to occur in the city. The Elysium, which was typically safeguarded mystically as well as physically, had been... exposed. The protections that typically kept them hidden in plain sight had vanished. That was distressing in and of itself, but what prompted Henry to call it an early evening while Edward shouldered himself into the driver's seat was that the sheriff and his staff seemed completely indifferent to the massive hole in the Elysium's security.

Which is why Edward decided to have a bit of fun.

The first thing he did, just to test the limits, was to Obfuscate his way into the Elysium. This normally would have been prevented by the wards, but since they were down it allowed him to start some minor mischief. Mostly just to amuse himself, and to see just how lethargic the guards were. He kept escalating, but there was no push back of any kind. No one told him to stop... or attempted to make him stop.

That was frustrating, but since I had to call it an early night to drive back home, I laid down one last card. Elysium that night was being held in one of Chicago's museums in a private party. The theme was a murder mystery, but vampires being vampires they were using real blood, and authentic body parts. It was a grisly scene... and Edward simply dropped a quarter and made a call to the police from one of the museum's few remaining pay phones. He told the police there were bodies, blood everywhere, and maybe two dozen people; hard to tell if they were the killers, witnesses, or something else. He gave the address, then hung up the phone and walked into the night laughing at his own practical joke.

The Massive (Unexpected) Fallout

Because this was a Vampire game, and several players had their characters in the city's influence circles, I had assumed this last trick would be a minor inconvenience. Someone would get a phone call tipping them off that the cops were inbound, the gathered kindred could put together a plan, and either bribe, bully, or use their unique powers to "convince" the police it was all a false alarm. Just someone trying to cause trouble. A little evening excitement, but nothing more.

Hoo boy was I wrong on that score.

What do you mean that was a load-bearing plot?

It seems that, despite the amount of opulent wealth and underworld ties among the kindred populace, none of them had actually bought and paid for the police. None of them owned the district attorney's office, and it seemed none of them had the proper disciplines or skill set to take a handful of mortal cops (tooled up for a raid as they were), and bend their minds to seeing things the kindreds' way.

So what should have been a minor inconvenience blew up the entire venue for the night!

A handful of kindred actually surrendered, going to jail for several hours. Others fled, using their disciplines to shift forms and escape the net closing around the museum. All in all, about half the venue got away and reconvened elsewhere, forming a plan to spring the rest out of jail before the sun came up and seriously complicated things for maintaining the masquerade.

But that was only a part of what was going on.

Unbeknownst to me, the heads of the Vampire and Changeling venues had been trying to work out some crossover plot for months at that point. The irregularities in the protections of Elysium was one of the signs of the two spheres coming too close to one another and causing disruptions. There were upcoming plots that were planned for Changeling that involved the museums, weak points between reality and the Hedge, and agents of the true fae... and those were going to bleed over (pun very much intended) into Vampire.

Or at least they were going to, until I unknowingly set the charges and blew all that up with a touch of chaos.

Lessons Learned

As I've said before, communication is the most important part of running a game... doubly so for running LARPs where there are multiple storytellers and all kinds of plot plates spinning on sticks. And from what I heard in the post-action from the ST staff, one reason everything slid so far out of control was that not everyone was briefed on what was happening, so they didn't know they were supposed to be trying to preserve this scene to act as the linchpin for the plan... and by the time I'd unknowingly kicked the plan in the nuts, it was too late to ret con it without causing even further problems.

I would like to believe that had all storytellers been given a briefing on the import of that night's planned events, then the NPC who took my call at the police station would have just rolled their eyes, and written it off as a prank call. Maybe sent around a single squad car to poke around before filing it away as a false report. As a player, I would have been more than all right with an action that would have been hugely disruptive getting set aside if it meant the big plan could come to fruition that evening.

Looking back on it, this is one of the only actions I wish I hadn't taken during that chronicle. Because I was one of the most vocal players about how crossover games would be great... and nobody took me aside and told me to keep my hands in my pockets for an evening to make that happen. So storytellers, be advised, don't play things too close to the chest if you want to avoid problems; keeping folks on the same page is important for getting the game to progress in the direction you're hoping.

What's Next on Table Talk?

That's it for this installment of Table Talk! Hopefully other folks learn a lesson or two from this one.

For more of my work, check out my Vocal archives, as well as the YouTube channel Dungeon Keeper Radio where I help out from time to time. Or, to check out books like my hard-boiled cat noir novel Marked Territory, my sword and sorcery novel Crier's Knife or my recent short story collection The Rejects, head over to My Amazon Author Page!

To stay on top of all my latest releases, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter, as well as on Pinterest where I'm building all sorts of boards dedicated to my books, RPG supplements, and greatest hits. Lastly, to help support me and my work, consider Buying Me A Ko-Fi, or heading over to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page to become a regular, monthly patron! Even a little donation can have a big impact.

Exploring The Class-Confused Character

Most often when it's time for another addition to Unusual Character Concepts I have a little story as an introduction before I put a twist on an archetype or an idea. This week, though, I'd like to explore a very common character concept, and talk about how it sort of falls apart under any real scrutiny. It's related to the Fantasy Flat-Earther, which I talked about a while back in Examining the "Doubting Thomas" Character Archetype in Fantasy RPGs, and for lack of a better term I'll call them the Class-Confused Character.

Or, in other words, characters who believe they have a completely different class in-game than what's written on their sheet.

A witch? Oh no, darling, I am merely a vessel of the old gods of the forest.

Identifying a Class-Confused Character

I've said this before, but your character's class is (for the most part) a meta concept. Just because it says barbarian on your character sheet doesn't mean that Juro Blooddrinker has that title on his business cards. The party rogue can just as easily be a private detective or a watch captain as they are a pickpocket or an assassin. And so on, and so forth.

So whenever your character concept is, "They think they're X, but on their sheet they're really Y," it inherently relies on this meta knowledge being a part of the game world itself.

As a for-instance, absolutely anyone can be a monk as a job. Typically the word "monk" refers to someone who has devoted themselves to ascetic living for religious or philosophical reasons. Under that definition monks could be fighters, barbarians, wizards, sorcerers, or really any class at all... because it's about being a monk as a job.

The monk class refers to someone who is a deadly unarmed fighter, and whose dedication to their particular ways and philosophies have allowed them to unlock certain supernatural abilities. However, there is zero requirement for someone who has monk as a class to actually have monk as their job. They could be a member of an elite special forces regiment, a devotee of a knightly order, a wandering duelist, or a fanatic of a cult dedicated to a god of battle.

In other words there's no requirement that what a character does for a living, and the class (or classes) on their sheet, have to match. Also, for more on the major examples, check out my 5 Tips For Playing Better Barbarians as well as 5 Tips For Playing Better Monks respectively.

Brother Skullcrusher, at your service. Yeah I've got 9 Rage rounds on my sheet... why?

Class Features Sort of Ruin The Joke

Why does this idea fall flat? Well, even if you take it as writ that certain classes exist as a description in the setting (wizards, sorcerers, druids, paladins, etc.) much like the Fantasy Flat-Earther, it's because easily-observed facts sort of undermine what you're trying to do with it.

Take one of the most common examples out there; the sorcerer who is utterly convinced they're a wizard. Even if those are the words used to describe certain practitioners of the arcane arts in a setting (they usually are, but not always) this concept sort of falls apart if the character themselves has any functional knowledge of the world, and how magic actually happens; because there's a clear difference between prepared casters (wizards) and spontaneous casters (sorcerers). Sorcerers take 15 minutes to focus and relax, while a wizard takes a full hour to prep their spells. Sorcerers can cast any spell they know at any time provided they have slots left, while a wizard has to choose their spell layout beforehand (though the can leave empty slots for preparation throughout the day). Sorcerers have bloodline powers, wizards do not. Wizards can learn new spells by inscribing scrolls into their spellbook... sorcerers don't have a spellbook, and are very limited in the spells they can actually know.

This same issue basically undercuts every Class-Confused Character concept. The fighter may be convinced they're a barbarian, but without any actual rounds of Rage, or any Rage Powers it's pretty clear that they're not. The barbarian might tell everyone they're a bard, but with no rounds of bardic music, no spells, no other class features, they're clearly not. The ranger might be delusional, convinced they're a paladin, but paladins have an aura, the ability to lay on hands, and divine smite... rangers get none of that.

These abilities manifest in tangible ways. They're facts, used to recognize the presence or absence of certain classes as surely as you'd examine breed characteristics for a certain kind of dog to know what it is. And you can claim you're a husky all day long, but if you're a Chihuahua, you're not fooling anybody.

Not better, not worse, just distinct from one another.

Trying To Pass Is Something Else Entirely

There is another character concept that is occasionally mistaken for the Class-Confused Character; the Cuckoo. A Cuckoo is when a particular character attempts to mimic the look, feel, and powers of another class, but they are fully cognizant of the fact they're wearing camouflage.

Let's go back to the sorcerer trying to be a wizard for a moment.

Now you could play this up in Pathfinder, choosing the Arcane bloodline to get a bonded item or familiar just like a wizard would. You might even go through the motions of reading from your "spellbook" every day to kind of get yourself in the zone. You may have credentials from a prestigious magical university, and a deep knowledge of arcane lore. You could even call yourself a wizard, wearing the necessary robes and accouterments, hoping to really sell your status.

But you know you're a sorcerer, even if the others don't.

That's the difference, here. A Cuckoo is trying to pretend to be something they're not. Maybe it's because sorcerers are considered dangerous and unpredictable in your setting, while wizards are respected and given preferential treatment. Maybe the character has a hang-up, wanting to be acknowledged for their hard work and scholarship rather than the idea they were just born into power they never had to work to master.

That fighter who puts on shining armor, who fights for the cause of righteousness, and who uses potions and scrolls to mimic divine bearing is still a fighter... but they might convince a lot of people they're a paladin because they look the part. Alternatively, an alchemist might mimic barbarian rage with their mutagen (particularly if they're a ragechemist), relying on brutal mutations to make their altered form seem similar to traditional barbarians who are held in high regard by their people as chosen tribal defenders. And so on, and so forth. But, at the end of the day, your character still knows what they are... they're just trying to be something else in the eyes of onlookers.

Subvert PLAYER Expectations, Not Character Ones

If you want to mess with meta expectations of what characters are and aren't, the best way to do it is to present your character with a particular job or skillset, but then to have a subversive class choice the table doesn't expect to go with it. Such as playing the gritty, no-nonsense bounty hunter, but instead of being a ranger you're a druid who uses their animalistic powers to track someone's trail, and who questions the beasts and the trees about where your target has gone. Or a diviner, whose spells can find someone no matter how hard they try to hide.

Don't worry, he'll be here. Yeah, I looked in my crystal ball, just shut up, we're on stakeout.

This method uses the meta assumptions of the other players against them, and the surprise and amusement is the punchline. The fire and brimstone "cleric" turns out to be a devout bard who's a part of the church, the war vet in the tattered officer's coat is actually an evoker whose bonded item is their old service sidearm, and the stubbly, scarred bruiser with the eyepatch and the sour mood is actually a paladin under all that grit. Playing against type and expectation in your flavor, while still having an effective build on your sheet, works. It makes for a memorable character that can add a lot of fun to the game overall, and it can really stretch your imagination and creativity.

Most importantly it avoids the issue that a Class-Confused Character is, at their core, a joke concept. Their whole purpose is that it's funny they're so painfully unaware of what they truly are, and like the Fantasy Flat-Earther who refuses to believe magic is real while fighting a necromancer riding a dracolich, the comedy wears real thin, real fast.

Like, Follow, and Stay Tuned For More!

That's all for this installment of Unusual Character Concepts. Hopefully this one gave you something to chew over, whether you're a player, or a game master.

For more of my work, check out my Vocal archive, and stop by the YouTube channel Dungeon Keeper Radio. Or if you'd prefer to read some of my books, like my alley cat noir novel Marked Territory, my sword and sorcery novel Crier's Knife or my most recent collection of short stories The Rejects, then head over to My Amazon Author Page!

To stay on top of all my latest releases, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and now Pinterest as well! To support my work, consider Buying Me a Ko-Fi, or heading to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page to become a regular, monthly patron. That one helps ensure you get more Improved Initiative, and it means you'll get my regular, monthly giveaways as a bonus!

That One Time I Played a Bard Out of Spite (And Had a Ball)

I am, generally speaking, a big advocate for players changing up their concepts and trying out different roles within their games. A big part of that is because when I was a very new player I got stuck in a groove that I just couldn't get out of. It wasn't until someone else made a snide comment that I decided to change things up out of spite, and realized that what I really needed as a gamer was a bit of variety.

Are you ready to rock!?

Spite is a Powerful Motivator

I have a theory that when first introduced to RPGs, players will have one of two modes they go into as they learn. The first is that they will play something colorful, silly, probably very off-kilter and ridiculous. The sorts of folks who want to play Deadpool from the films, where he's inappropriate, and 4th wall breaking, and doesn't take anything seriously. The second is when players try to play dark, serious, gritty characters who talk like they have a throat full of gravel and whose hobbies include menacingly sharpening their blades and taking vengeance upon those who've wronged them. Like Deadpool when he was in the hands of creators like Rob Liefeld.

As a player, I very definitely pitched my tent in the latter camp.

Ranger. Combat specialty, ranged. Family, deceased. Body count... rising.

Anyone who looked at the books, comics, and movies that shaped my younger reading days wouldn't have been surprised to see that direction for me as a player. As I mentioned in my recent alignment deep dive The Punisher is Evil, Frank Castle was a regular character favorite of mine along with Ghost Rider, the Hulk, and others. One of my early gifts as a child was a leather bound copy of Frank Miller's take on Batman, and practically every movie I saw that wasn't an animated kids film was a story of a wronged man seeking vengeance.

Write what you know, as the classic advice goes.

Generally speaking, I don't see anything wrong with embracing the vengeful, violent character archetype as long as players are allowed to let their characters grow and change throughout the campaign. You can get a lot of powerful moments out of the grizzled loner opening themselves back up to having friends once more, or the catharsis of finally getting the revenge they've sought for so long. The difficulty I ran into was that no game I joined ever ran for very long... so I had to keep re-inventing the same character I'd been trying to play from different angles so I could actually finish the story I'd been trying to tell. It was like getting cut off halfway through your story, and having to start all over again when you tried to pick it back up.

I'd gone through a ranger, a barbarian, and at least two rogues, and every group had dissolved within 5 sessions. Finally a friend of mine had made it clear she wanted to start a new game, and she had a whole campaign planned. So I got out my notebook of character concepts, and started brainstorming.

It was while I was in the middle of this that my roommate at the time walked behind me and snidely asked, "So what version of Batman are you bringing to this game?"

Flipping The Script

Had this happened to me today, I would have sat down with my roommate and explained that sort of comment was uncalled for, and that if he had an issue with the characters I played then we should talk it out and come to some kind of understanding. However, this happened when I was still quite fresh to the hobby, and so I did what came naturally to me as a creator... I embraced my first spiteful impulse, and ran with it.

And now for something entirely different!

The result of this mad dash of spite was a bard by the name of Eirik Perdhro. A tall, blonde-haired young man from the north country he was a singer, a storyteller, a juggler, and a flute player. With a mind for mischief and a smile that always got him into trouble, he sought adventure not for coin or vengeance, but because he'd grown up listening to his grandfather's tales of big cities and far-off deeds. He wanted to see those places for himself, and tread the same paths the old man had when he'd been young.

I dug down even deeper than those basic changes, though. The son of a tavern owner, Eirik had grown up learning to be a bit of everything. Bar keep, pot boy, entertainer, and other skills allowed him to work his way anywhere he needed to be. His home life was good, and he even had a sister. He regularly wrote letters home, telling his parents about his adventures, and sending trinkets along to his grandfather. He was, in other words, a perfectly nice young man who tended to get himself mixed up in trouble.

And the difference in that experience both for me as a player, as well as for the few folks who'd played with me, was like night and day.

A Different Mindset, and a Different Story

When I'd played a dark or brooding character, there were a select few paths I always opted for as a player. Most of them were violence, or threats of violence. It wasn't until I played a character for whom fighting was not their strongest aspect that I had to think on my feet, and ask what someone with a different disposition, different goals, and different experiences would do in a given situation.

And it led to more creative solutions.

Eirik's most potent weapon was his very blue-collar demeanor, combined with his charm. He could dress up for the ball, and keep the court dancing, but he could also walk down to the kitchen and blend in with the staff. He could walk into practically any chamber while wearing an apron and carrying a tray, and no one questioned him. Even when it came to lying to higher-profile figures, such as half-mad cult leaders, he always gave everything his best gambler's face and tried to sell it.

Frankly, it's astonishing how many doors in your average game will just open for you if you ask nicely, and you don't look like you're a threat.

Yeah, I'm with room service. There a problem?

The character did fall into his share of cliches (it was my first time playing a bard, after all). A majority of the trouble he got into was for chasing female characters who were several times his threat level, though in the interest of keeping things tasteful he would write letters, compose poems, and send presents instead of trying to just seduce someone into his bed. He was a little on the bumbling side of things, and not much use in a fight. Part of that was my own terrible dice luck, but I figured it would be better to lean into it, and make it a part of the character.

And I addressed at least a few of these in my 5 Tips For Playing Better Bards over in my 5 Tips archive, for those who are curious.

While the campaign I created him for didn't finish, it did go on longer than practically any game I'd played up to that point. And though my pendulum has since swung back more toward the serious, brooding types, I've never forgotten the lessons I learned playing an adventuresome juke joint juggler just looking for a good time. Think through a situation, consider all your options, and remember that it never hurts to ask. You can always pull your steel, but you usually can't undo that particular decision.

Most importantly, if you want to seduce an NPC, be sweet, charming, and enfold the character into your story. Don't make the DM, or the players, uncomfortable... and remember that if your lovers are all level 15+ and they want to fight over you that you brought this upon yourself.

Next Time on Table Talk!

Thanks to some recent developments, I should be getting back to my Runelords tales soon, and finishing out that campaign for you all. Until then, stay tuned, and I'll see you next time on Table Talk!

For more of my work, check out my Vocal archives, as well as the YouTube channel Dungeon Keeper Radio where I help out from time to time. Or, to check out books like my sword and sorcery novel Crier's Knife or my recent short story collection The Rejects, head over to My Amazon Author Page!

To stay on top of all my latest releases, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter, as well as on Pinterest where I'm building all sorts of boards dedicated to my books, RPG supplements, and greatest hits. Lastly, to help support me and my work, consider Buying Me A Ko-Fi, or heading over to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page to become a regular, monthly patron! Even a little donation can have a big impact.

When The Party Decided To Play "HeroQuest" To Kill Time Between Adventures

The Crew had been hard at work since they'd first been hired to work the job. It had been a simple smash and grab in a dungeon, and so the guild had scraped the bottom of the barrel to see who they could come up with. What they got was a bunch of do-most-dirty-job crooks and hard cases who got put together on a team, and told to go find a magic globe. A dragonborn deserter from the army who was always ready to bust heads, a kobold sorceress with a rap sheet longer than her tail, a tiefling warlock with a specialty in blackmail, and a half-orc who'd escaped from a prison colony on false papers, they were a motley bunch who were always hard up for cash. They didn't know what the globe was, and didn't really care, as long as they got their membership cut of the job when everything was said and done.

Will Work 4 Phat Lootz

They outdid themselves, and pretty soon that one job spiraled out into madness. The Crew found themselves on retainer to a secretive organization hunting magic items across the world, facing the marshaling forces of a dire threat from a forgotten world, and dealing with bloodthirsty assassins and fellow thieves around every corner. They even won a landmark court case at one point, as mentioned in That One Time The Party Solved The Plot With a Legal Battle.

Of course, the organization that employed them was run by a dragon, and as long as little pieces of his hoard made its way into their hands, the Crew was more than happy to keep fighting the good fight.

However, as with every campaign, we eventually hit a long, slow patch where schedules got disrupted, the DM was feeling stressed, and we were just having some trouble getting together at our usual time and place. When that happened the Crew was on an airship, flying toward an island of underground tieflings who worshiped the lord of shadows. So, to pass the time without losing the spirit of the game, the DM did something interesting...

He had us play HeroQuest... in game, and in-character!

The Best Game Ever Made!

While HeroQuest was a gateway to RPGs for most folks, my group hadn't really heard of it until we came across the above video from Bardic Broadcasts. And as you can see, it's the best commercial that was never made for the game. For those of you who haven't played HeroQuest personally, it's basically a tabletop fantasy board game that's one step down from a full RPG similar to the games Wrath of Ashardalon or Castle Ravenloft from Wizards of The Coast. You all take on roles of the barbarian, the dwarf, the elf, and the wizard, put into a dozen different scenarios that make up their own campaign. You contend with monsters, and the machinations of the evil wizard who sits behind the screen and attempts to lead the heroes to their doom.

Our DM had been searching for a copy of this old game for a while (they tend to go for a few hundred dollars at best, given that it's out of print), and he'd finally gotten his hands on one around the time the campaign hit a snag. So we all decided to let the campaign sit, and play HeroQuest for a while... but we were going to do it as our characters while we were in transit to the next part of the adventure.

And it was goddamn hilarious.

The green dragonborn took the role of the barbarian, and for a while did his best to roleplay the stalwart hero instead of the heavy-drinking, hard-partying skullcracker that he actually was. The kobold sorcerer grabbed the dwarf, adding new aspects to the character's backstory, and bringing in a slew of extended family members whenever one dwarf died. The half-orc monk took on the role of the elf, trying to use grace and flourishes but always falling back on smashing stuff in the face. Even the tiefling warlock occasionally dropped in as the wizard, who was without fail smoking a particularly large blunt in between flinging fireballs and lightning. All the while the game was being run by one of the goliath crew members on the airship, who suggested it as a way to pass the time on their journey.

The Game Within The Game

HeroQuest is a fun game all on its own, and if you can find a copy you should pick it up as long as the price isn't too unreasonable. But roleplaying characters who are, in turn, roleplaying other characters was a trippy experiment, and one that yielded some amusing moments. More than a few jokes between the PCs while they were sitting around the game board recurred even after the campaign picked up and kept going, which was particularly funny.

Every now and again we still do a time skip, and rewind to the HeroQuest scenarios. And I have a feeling that, once the actual campaign is over and the villain vanquished, our heroes will once again pick up their dice cups a flagons to find out just what sort of adventures they can have sitting around that table in the back of the tavern.

Next Time on Table Talk!

With so many games paused thanks to the pandemic, my Runelords tales are on-hold for the time being. But hopefully I can keep sharing a few amusing asides like this week's tale until we can finish out the last of that campaign. So stay tuned, and I'll see you next time on Table Talk!

For more of my work, check out my Vocal archives, as well as the YouTube channel Dungeon Keeper Radio where I help out from time to time. Or, to check out books like my sword and sorcery novel Crier's Knife or my recent short story collection The Rejects, head over to My Amazon Author Page!

To stay on top of all my latest releases, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter, as well as on Pinterest where I'm building all sorts of boards dedicated to my books, RPG supplements, and greatest hits. Lastly, to help support me and my work, consider Buying Me A Ko-Fi, or heading over to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page to become a regular, monthly patron! Even a little donation can have a big impact.

What Are Your Character's Cultural Misunderstandings?

"This food, it's good," Grond said, tossing the rest of the bones onto his plate. They'd been seated on the higher tier, the fireplace off to one side to ensure they were warm. Filial had only managed to get Grond to dress his best with the promise of a hearty meal. He looked a little strange wearing fresh linen and a velvet doublet with his wild hair and scarred hands, but he was clean and presentable, which was a feat in and of itself.

"Didn't I tell you?" Filial asked, toasting his hulking companion with a wine glass.

Grond raised his glass, returning the toast, but rather than sipping he tilted his head back and drank deeply. The smile fled from Filial's face, but before he could say something Grond opened his mouth and let forth a deep, echoing belch that was just this side of a roar. Silverware clattered, and people stared, their eyes wide. Filial put his hand to his face, shame turning his ears red. Grond nodded, and picked up one of the last rolls, buttering it with his belt knife.

"The kitchens are far from here," he said, taking a bite of the bread. "I wanted to be sure the cooks knew of my appreciation."

Is something wrong, my friend?

Cultural Misunderstandings, Quirks, and Personalities

Everyone's unique perception of the world is colored by where, how, and by whom they were raised. While some of us are more cosmopolitan than others, we still have certain baseline behaviors and cultural taboos that we consider "normal" in our lives. Our characters are typically the same way. This often leads to cultural misunderstandings that can really bring across how different things are in a fantasy world, and make characters instantly memorable.

Most of us have done some spin on this at one point or another in our lives. Maybe you had a half-orc version of Crocodile Dundee, who took the most terrifying monsters and brutal hellscapes in their stride, and who was confused by the sheer panic and terror other party members reacted with. Maybe you played around with an elf who had exacting rules of decorum, and whose behavior could often seem strange or alien to those who have never studied the social structure of their home city. Perhaps it was a dwarven crusader with unusual grooming requirements as part of their oath, a tattooed mystic from a fringe school of sorcery, or someone who was raised by an evil cult and who has to unlearn the habits of their strange and brutal upbringing (check out my recent 100 Cults to Encounter if you're looking for inspiration on that front).

However, this is something I'd encourage us to do more of as players. Because even if we build in something as a joke, it can end up telling us a lot about a character, where they come from, and the way they see the world around them.

Making Misunderstandings That Work

The key to setting up a unique misunderstanding or cultural quick typically relies on something that is either unusual in the individual background, or which is different about how an individual character experiences the world. These things can be blatant or subtle, but the real trick is to make sure that that these misunderstandings are interesting or unique, and that they tell us something meaningful about the character.

Only one who has walked the peaks of Zhai Zho can bear such marks.

As an example of a cultural misunderstanding, say a character was raised deep in the blowing sands of the desert. Over the years the cultural norms evolved to say that people must keep themselves covered except when in the presence of friends and loved ones. This may have started out as a matter of practicality to avoid harm from sandstorms and the sun, but it's become ingrained in the society as a whole. So among those from this part of the world, long, flowing robes are common, and veils are often worn whenever one is in public. Someone who doesn't understand this culture may not understand that telling someone to show their face is the equivalent of demanding they undress in front of you, meaning they could give grave insult without intending it.

On the flip side of things, say a character comes from the frozen north where hot springs are often turned into communal bathhouses. Regular washing and grooming may be an intimate part of their culture, and as a byproduct of necessity nudity is not seen as shameful or even unusual in any way, shape or form. You could even take it to a Drax the Destroyer level of casualness, where the character finds southern notions of propriety and modesty to be strange and confusing.

Alternatively, you could ask what sorts of cultural norms develop around a character's inherent abilities, if they possess any. Does an elf rarely raise their voice, for example, because of how sensitive their people's ears are? Thus when they do actually shout, it's shocking to those who know them, and it lets people know they mean business. Does your dwarf tend to dress in shades of black and white, because in the hold they were raised in most people used their natural darkvision, so colors were never a part of a fashion motif? Perhaps this went even further, with intricate and broad-sweeping makeup and hairstyles marking one out by standing and profession that could be recognized from afar? Does your halfling, or by contrast a half-orc or a goliath, just not grasp a world built to a scale that doesn't fit them? Constantly ordering food, or drink, and being surprised or disappointed at the portion size they receive, or finding that room accommodations are never something they can take for granted? Or do they have their own norms for meals, or sleeping arrangements, that outsiders just don't understand?

While it's tempting to make these changes really big and really obvious (the fighter whose culture is to always grapple with a friend you haven't seen for some time to test each other's strength, the barbarian who comes from a tribe that states lingering eye contact is a challenge to one's rank, etc.), sometimes you can get just as much out of the smaller, subtler things that are unusual about a character's view of the world.

Do Not Set This Up To Be A Jerk

And now we play the ax-catching game, as tradition dictates.

As I said back in The Dangers of The Phrase "I'm Just Playing My Character", it's important to remember that you are directly responsible for everything that goes onto your character's sheet, and all the things they think, say, do, or believe. So while it's entirely possible for you to make a character who considers any slight an occasion to begin a duel to the death, that doesn't excuse you from constantly going around and attacking anyone who takes the piss out of you. It still makes you look like a jerk, because you tried to design a quirk that demanded your character make everyone else's life difficult.

Now, to be clear, a character who is willing to duel for their honor with those who've slighted them is a fun little background tidbit. Especially if that character has something of a reputation as a duelist, and if you use the threat sparingly, or only when it's warranted. But just as with any other quirk, or unusual bit of cultural difference, think about whether it's going to add to the story, or take away from it. Because if you're constantly throwing a monkey wrench into the game and justifying it with, "Well, that's the way they were raised," that is going to get really old really fast.

Like, Follow, and Stay in Touch!

That's all for this week's Fluff post! If you've used this in your games, share a story down in the comments!

For more of my work, check out my Vocal archive, and stop by the YouTube channel Dungeon Keeper Radio. Or if you'd prefer to read some of my books, like my sword and sorcery novel Crier's Knife or my recent short story collection The Rejects, then head over to My Amazon Author Page!

To stay on top of all my latest releases, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and now Pinterest as well! To support my work, consider Buying Me a Ko-Fi, or heading to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page to become a regular, monthly patron. That one helps ensure you get more Improved Initiative, and it means you'll get my regular, monthly giveaways as a bonus!

Players, Only You Can Prevent Fishmalks!

We've all been in a game with that one character. You know the one I'm talking about. Maybe it was the guy who rushed into battle while wearing a nightie he stole from the princess because he thought it would be a larf. Perhaps it's the guy who insists on meowing like a cat, even if his character is not, in fact, a cat. Or the one who ran into the throne room, slapped the king in the face with a fish, and then ran out slapping his bum with it and howling like a wolf during character introductions?

Well, it turns out there is a name for this kind of unstructured nonsense most of us have come to associate with the worst abuses of the chaotic neutral alignment. It's called the fishmalk!

And we all have to work together to stop them from spreading.

What The Hell is a Fishmalk?

Chances are good that a lot of folks reading this already know the answer. If you're in that group, feel free to skip ahead. For everyone else, this term originates from Vampire: The Masquerade. In this game you play a vampire, and your character comes from one of the available clans. One of those clans are called the Malkavians, and there is something in their embrace that breeds madness. It puts a permanent derangement on your character that cannot be cured, and that you will suffer from for all eternity. The purpose of this flaw is to make Malkavians more frightening (as they're unhinged, even by the standards of undead monsters), and to provide opportunity to turn them into tragic figures.

The problem is when players take this derangement, and they use it as a license to be kooky, zany, or otherwise silly. Then any criticism of them being disruptive, nonsensical, etc. is simply deflected by holding up the shield of, "I'm just playing my character!"

As to the term fishmalk... well, it's traced to this image from Vampire: The Dark Ages.

What you see is what you get with this one.

When It Is, And When It Ain't, A Fishmalk

Before you all click away to start using your new favorite term on whatever boards you frequent, I want you to put the brakes on for just a second so I can finish the lesson. Because there is more to a fishmalk than a character who is zany, weird, or inappropriate. What I've just described is Deadpool, and as we all know he's one of the most popular, enjoyed characters out there! So why isn't Wade Wilson a fishmalk? Well the answer is that sometimes he is, and sometimes he isn't.

Context is important, here.

Which, really, is the most important part of any classification system.

If we look at the definition of this term in Urban Dictionary, we can find the context I'm talking about pretty easily.

A person or character who behaves in a "wacky" or "random" manner in an attempt at humor, to the annoyance of those around them.

See that last part there? The annoyance of those around them is a big part of what makes a character a fishmalk or not. Because if Deadpool shows up in a standard Marvel storyline, and starts running around with bunny ears on, or talking to people who aren't there, then all it does is annoy the rest of the heroes, and add dissonance to the story that's being told. However, if we are reading a Deadpool comic, then we see that Wade is actually breaking the 4th wall to talk to the audience Shakespeare-style, and that it is his self-awareness of being in a comic book that leads to him taking the piss out of how serious everyone else is acting. After all, it's just a comic, so who cares?

The same thing applies to RPGs, and what is appropriate in a particular game. If you're playing, say, Paranoia then it's expected for everything to be ridiculous, farcical, and nonsensical at times. The game takes place in a satirical nightmare of dystopian sci-fi, after all, and it isn't trying to take itself seriously. Quite the opposite, in fact. But if you took your character from that game, and tried to play them in a more serious sci-fi game like Starfinder, then suddenly all of the tongue-in-cheek references, stupid decision-making, and popping entire shipping containers worth of pills no longer makes sense. No more than if you took your scarred ex-merc looking to find their children and plunked them into a Paranoia scenario would work; you're a square peg in a round hole, and forcing the issue isn't going to make it better.

Be Funny. Don't Be Fishy.

As I said way back in The 5 RPG Characters We Should Stop Playing, there is absolutely nothing wrong with playing a character who is legitimately funny, or who has some amusing quirks. If you want to play a minstrel whose mandolin is constantly out-of-tune, who can't sing, can't dance, and gets booed off stage, by all means, do so! Just make sure that they can actually help out when it's their turn, that they have a personality and history beyond being a crap performer, and that they are actually a useful member of the team despite the fact they can't carry a tune in a bucket.

And keep an eye on the table all around you. If you're noticing that your character really isn't landing with anyone else, then remember what I said in Make Sure Your Character Is As Fun To Play With As They Are To Play; put them back in your toy box, and save them for a game where they'll be appreciated. Because repeating a joke no one found funny isn't going to get a better result.

That's all for this week's Moon Pope Monday! Have any fishmalk stories of your own, regardless of the game they took place in? Share them in the comments below!

For more of my work, head over to my Vocal and Gamers archives, and check out Dungeon Keeper Radio! Or to read some of my books, like my sword and sorcery novel Crier's Knife, head over to My Amazon Author Page!

To stay on top of all my latest releases, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter! Also, if you're looking for an easy place to find all my RPG modules and supplements along with my books, I'm on Pinterest now! Lastly, if you want to help support my work, consider Buying Me A Ko-Fi, or heading over to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page to become a patron today! Every little bit helps!

Barbabyan- Some PCs Start Early

I'm a sucker for animation featuring barbarian-style characters. It's why one of my earliest installments on Moon Pope Monday was the pilot for Korgoth of Barbaria, and why it wasn't long before I shared The Starbarians as well. If you missed when my Monday posts were more about cartoons and fun Kickstarters than about super-serious DM advice, then you can consider this week's post to be a throwback.

Allow me to present a short from Nick Animation... Barbabyan!

Sadly, I can't link the video directly, as it's not on YouTube. Just click the above link.

What Is Barbabyan?

Created by Paul and Patrick Noth, Barbabyan is a just-over-three-minute short story about an uncivilized toddler who finds himself being escorted to a daycare and finishing school by his older brother. Barbabyan is having none of it, though, and his sheer uncivilized nature leads him to discover his destiny atop the climbing wall.

There isn't much to the episode, but what there is proves to be a lot of fun. And for those who enjoy Barbabyan, there are a lot more shows where that came from on the Nick Animated Shorts Facebook page. While I'm still hoping this gets turned into a regular cartoon, I'm not going to hold my breath. It seems my barbarians rarely get past shorts and pilots these days.

That's all for this installment of Moon Pope Monday. It's short and sweet, but I just wanted to share a little laugh with everyone out there. For more of my work, check out my Vocal archive, or stop by the YouTube channel Dungeon Keeper Radio where I help out from time to time. If you want to stay on top of all my latest releases, then follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Lastly, if you want to help support all my endeavors here, drop some change in my cup at The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page, or Buy Me A Ko-Fi! Either way, both my eternal gratitude and some sweet gaming swag shall be yours!

That One Time The Party Solved The Plot With A Legal Battle

It's said that even the finest battle plan never survives the first touch of actual battle. In much the same way, the most intricate and comprehensive plan by a dungeon master will never survive the ingenuity, resourcefulness, or sheer stupidity of the actions players are capable of taking. Sometimes a DM will try to force the party into taking certain options... and other times they'll just see where this new and unexpected path leads.

And this one went to pretty much the last place you'd expect... unless you read the title.

Which is why when one motley crew of renegades, rebels, and rogues ran into a problem too big for them, they decided to lawyer up.

Who Did What Now?

Let's back things up, and begin at the beginning. When the DM started his 5th edition game, set in a world of his own making, he asked for misfits, outcasts, and PCs who just didn't really fit in. Which is how we ended up with an Old One worshiping tiefling named Sophie, a furry kobold sorcerer named A.J., a wide-eyed half-orc monk who'd escaped what amounted to a penal colony named Hevvy, and a revoltingly mannered, slick-talking barbarian dragonborn by the name of Vile.

While they were of disparate races and backgrounds, this particular group of so-called adventurers had a few things they bonded over. Taste in drinks, a desire for easy money... and three of the four of them had rap sheets longer than their arms (while the fourth was traveling on an illegal visa, making his very presence in the country legally questionable, at best). But, despite their rather... colorful histories, there was no denying they delivered when they were given a task.

Which was how they found themselves on the road heading north, on the trail of a famous but retired jouster, at the behest of a man who wanted the former athlete to train his daughter for the upcoming games. While they found they guy they were looking for, there was one, small problem. He was defending an ancient fey forest from the axes of "progress" who wanted to put a magic, floating train straight through the heart of the wood.

Well... maybe "small" isn't the right word.

Can We Talk This Out?

When the jouster had retired from his public life, he'd come north, and found a new home among the ancient creatures of the forest. Satyrs, dryads, trolls, unicorns, centaurs, and the list went on and on. Many of them were rare enough that they didn't exist anywhere outside of this forest, and some were so old that their memories stretched back to the breaking of the world. The major problem was they cannot leave this forest, since their very lives were tied to it. And no one from the rail company was willing to entertain the idea that such a potent array of forces were arrayed against them, and that by forcing the issue they might be starting a war they would be hard-pressed to win (and that if they did win, they would definitely look like the bad guys in the eyes of the public).

The intense militarization of the rail company isn't helping, either.

Because the rail boss saw this as a few naysayers standing in the way of progress to protect, "a few pixies and sprites," the company went and hired a massive mercenary company called the Fortunate Sons (which inspired the entry Who Are Your Mercenary Companies? a few weeks back). A potent fighting force, if they were unleashed against the wood, it was going to be a bloodbath on both sides.

Which was why the party decided to try to be reasonable. They made their way into the camp, and tried to talk to the boss. She heard them out, then when they were finished, blew smoke in their faces, and told them that the rail would stop when the party presented her with notarized papers that told her it had to stop. Until then, the new world was coming whether the party, and whoever lived in those woods, liked it or not. Where the ley line went, the train had to follow.

Ask, And Ye Shall Receive

Between Vile, A.J., and Sofie, the party has run cons, extorted, assaulted, and destroyed property across four nations, and they were fairly familiar with the legal system of the country they were currently in. Run by wizards, and tended to by magistrates, it was a very law-and-order sort of place. Which was why, if you were going to be a criminal there, you have to be pretty good in order to stay one step ahead of the rope. No one had hung them yet, so they knew a thing or two about evading the inconveniences of the law when it suited them.

However, they also knew that for the law to work, it had to be available to anyone and everyone. Which was why while Vile, Hevvy, and A.J. had a private meeting with the captain of the Fortunate Sons to see if they could get the mercs to back off (or at least re-negotiate the terms of their employment, given what they were going to be made to fight), Sofie rode into a nearby town to find them a lawyer.

Shysters are always down at the bar, for those who are curious.

All it took was finding a half-drunk halfling barrister with a bit of a reputation, a desperate need for gold, and who perked up at the phrases, "precedent setting," and "trial of the century." She got him packed up, brought him out to the forest, and that was when he started filling out paperwork, and taking statements from the unicorn queen, the pegasus prince, and even from the hulking Mumbler, king of the trolls.

Then, in a few days time, the party went back to the camp, and served the rail boss with a cease and desist order. Rail construction was being officially halted until a magistrate could come out, and settle this current dispute.

Not Their First Rodeo

While this collection of hooligans, thugs, and blackmailers was perfectly comfortable in the thick of fighting, they were even more relaxed on the stand. They'd all done this dance before, except Hevvy, who listened very carefully when his party mates coached him on what to say, and what not to say. Especially when it came to keeping cool under harsh questioning. In addition to getting the party on the stand, though, the magistrate also wanted to hear from the fey royalty (who were close enough to the forest in our location to be all right), as well as from the ancient tree father whose next generation would be destroyed if the train followed its planned route (and thus ending the line of his people, and all his knowledge stretching back for an eon or more).

Then the magistrate listened to the rail boss, and to the workers who had survived things like troll attacks, magical sabotage, and other, assorted guerrilla attacks along the lines. Grisly, and stirring, but given that the fey creatures literally could not leave (and all attempts to contact the rail workers peacefully had been ignored or rebuffed), it wasn't quite enough to sway the onlookers.

I rule that this be taken to mediation.

Once both sides had a say, the magistrate asked very expressly if, now that all these facts had been aired, the two sides would be willing to come to the table and discuss what could be done. There was no undoing what had been wrought, but they had a chance to prevent future bloodshed, and to come to some agreement. Otherwise the case would have to be pushed further up the pipe, and that would mean results could take many more months. Perhaps even years, as more powerful legal figures ruled and decided.

So the boss and her head wizards sat down with the strange, ancient creatures that pre-dated this nation's government, and talked turkey. Which is how they found that, if they'd reached out and made allies in the first place, they could have shaved not just months, but years off their task. With the aid of the fey, now fully legally recognized as a township within the existing government, they could complete their transcontinental project without bringing more harm to anyone.

And that is what happens when three ex-cons and a border-jumping half-orc are faced with a situation that's too tough to fight their way clear of. Because it is amazing what a few affidavits, and the right barrister, will do for your cause.

That's all for this week's Table Talk update. If you've got a story of your own you'd like to share, feel free to send it along so you, too, can get featured. If you'd like more from yours truly, then check out my Vocal archive, or head over to the YouTube channel Dungeon Keeper Radio where I help out some fellow gamers with DM advice, player hints, and the occasional skit. To get all my latest updates, follow me on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. If you'd like to help support Improved Initiative, then head over to The Literary Mercenary's Patreon page, or click here to Buy Me A Coffee! There's some sweet gaming swag in it as a thank you, in addition to knowing you're helping me create more great content for readers like you.